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I chose myself & my healing

Two weeks ago I walked away from my marriage. When I got married last year I never thought I would be someone who ever got a divorce, especially not a year later. I thought we had great communication and would work through whatever was thrown our way. A month after our wedding I was diagnosed with Lyme disease and the hormonal disorder, PCOS. When I told my husband about the diagnosis he seemed a bit confused, as was I, but I was really surprised when I didn't receive the support I needed from him. I thought, well as I learn more about this illness it will be easier for both of us to understand.

After my first round of antibiotics I experienced a terrible herx reaction, which is when you pretty much feel like death during the die off of Lyme bacteria. I was so dizzy I was having a hard time keeping my balance when walking. I went from NJ to NYC to my doctor alone. And to pretty much all the dozens of appointments after that as well. From then on everything I did seemed to take all of my energy. Getting to and from work felt like the hardest task of my life. I would get home and lie down immediately. Weekends would be for me to rest because my body was so depleted from the week.

We didn't spend the holidays together, mostly due to work schedules and for some reason I received the silent treatment often, even on my 30th birthday this year. I got a text during lunch while at work and that was it. Grateful I have great friends who always come through for me. One of the things I learned after my breakup from my first boyfriend is that having your own separate group of friends is really important. Investing in all the different relationships is important.

Now we are in the end of February and I decided to see a naturopath recommended by someone else who has Lyme. I was in such terrible shape I thought I may be dying. I was in so much pain all over my body, exhaustion that was so extreme, trouble breathing, increased heart rate, no menstrual cycles, my skin was terrible, constipated, migraines that included vertigo, memory issues & peripheral neuropathy. It was a terrible time to not have support at home.

I get back to NJ just before quarantine. Funny thing is is that I had a pending claim to work from home due to being sick. They gave me so much of the run around only for the entire company to be forced to work from home anyway. Go figure. A few weeks later majority of us are all laid off, which actually ended up being a blessing for me to be able to rest AND the pandemic assistance paid more than my salary which gave me some wiggle room to be able to afford an LLMD (Lyme Literate Medical Doctor), some alternative therapies and holistic treatments.

By April I felt I had some control back of my body, maybe because I literally wasn't able to go anywhere but it felt good to not feel like death for the first time in over a year. I had some time to take a breather and take a look at the reality of what has happened to me and how my body fought for so many years. I had a ton of emotions but felt like I was still on cruise control because of the pandemic. There was so much to take in and I still felt an emptiness at home.

We enter the month of May and I get a message on Instagram from a ghost account with no info or photos on it from someone who told me she had been sleeping with my husband for a year, and at this point I hadn't even been married a year yet. I was shocked but for some reason not as shocked as I imagined I would be to ever receive news like this. I had a feeling in my gut for some time and others tried to reassure me that it wasn't happening. Lesson learned to never go against your instincts. At that moment my body flared like a mo'fukah. I went back into my building as I was outside trying to get some air, approached him, he confessed because I mean I already knew. Later that night I threw two glasses at the wall and made two holes in our kitchen wall. What the hell had I been doing? Why didn't I put myself first? How could he be such a selfish prick? Was I really married to this dude? I was so angry but I felt more angry at myself than him.

The next few months were ups and downs obviously but I thought when you get married you were supposed to work through tough times. Listen to me when I tell you that experience doesn't count as a tough time, its abuse. The rest of the summer my body flared and neurological symptoms came and went. By the time September came around I decided it was time to finally go to an LLMD. I made the appointment and a friend of mine drove me down to Washington, DC to The Jemsek clinic. My husband didn't ask if I was going alone or with a friend, where I was staying, if I made it there okay, and when I returned he didn't ask how it went. I was done. I called my mom, rented a truck, packed my shit for like the 3rd time this year, put it in the truck and left. No conversation needed. I had been through enough silent treatments to realize that that was an answer and the closure I needed. Now I'm with mom and Mimi trying to get back to that good place I was at in April. While I already feel a lot better mentally, all of us with Lyme know symptoms come out of nowhere. So now I dealing with GI issues the past month I'm hoping to get some relief from soon.

But if I learned anything this year, its to put yourself first, ALWAYS, trust your gut, and don't allow people to treat you however they please, I don't give a shit who they are. Remember you are dope AF!

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