Toxic Positivity

Ever since people discovered the word "toxic" it's really been overused in my opinion. Yes, there are toxic people who are just terrible to be around, but I feel like everyone and their mother is saying they are dropping toxic people from their life. While I am ALL for that, because I've distanced myself from certain people or just realized the relationship wasn't for me whether it is romantic, friendship, family, whatever, sometimes people just ain't compatible, dang. I don't consider every person who I am no longer in contact with, toxic.

Also this era of "good vibes only" is really annoying to me. Yes, we should always try to have a positive outlook but have you looked around? We aren't exactly living in what I would consider the best time. When I was diagnosed with Lyme +coinfections I had no idea what to do or what my life would end up like. I worry about the future. Will I get better? If I get better can I go back to square one? It's scary having an illness that's wrecked havoc on my body and to have to try to so many different treatments not covered by insurance. To have an illness that experiences so much gaslighting by almost everyone who doesn't have it. To have people tell me how good I look or that it seems like I'm much better when I was only having a good day with decent energy.

Everyday does not have to be "good vibes or positive thoughts only." That's literally impossible. All emotions and thoughts are valid. You know how many days I just wished to be taken out of this world because of how my body and mind feels? Many. But that's okay. Being sad, angry, frustrated, annoyed, tired, it's all okay. Pretending like we don't feel a wide range of emotions will destroy you. You can only bottle things up for so long before they manifest in other ways.

I try to be understanding of people's response to my illness but at times I just want to punch somebody in the face. So many people telling me I'm on the road to recovery or that I'll be better soon, after I've been struggling for so many years, pretending like I was fine. And what if I'm not better soon, then what? I have days I can barely move from this bed. Every night when I lay down to sleep my body twitches all over. The last time I slept a full 8 hours straight was on vacation in 2017. If I exert myself too much I can feel my brain swelling and pulsing, and it feels like I'm rocking in a chair, meanwhile I'm sitting on the couch. If I have a good day and can exercise, sometimes I go overboard with excitement and then the next two days it's hard to breathe because of inflammation around my rib cage. If I run two errands I need to take a 4 hour nap to recover. The other day I made a waffle with fruits for breakfast and stared at it on the plate for about 10 seconds because I wasn't sure what to do with it. I forgot I needed a fork to eat it. Don't even get me started on reading. I can barely concentrate on a paragraph

(I read them a million times to process them) and yes I know I write but I barely read over it because it takes me a while to process mistakes so I go over it at a later point. I reverse numbers I see constantly, for example if the number is 758, I tend to see 785. It's difficult. Dealing with invisible illness. People don't like the unknown or what they can't see. It makes them uncomfortable. But people need to start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable.

Please if you don't understand what someone is going through, just ask if they want to talk about it or how you can help. I can't tell you how many people in my life have absolutely no idea what my disease entails. It's really frustrating and isolating. I share so much information and yet it goes right over their heads. Thing is people don't realize they are only a second away from being chronically ill. I guess it's true that you really don't get it until you get it.